Questions to Shield Maidens


Now that it has been established that anything found buried with weapons, including horses, and women, was in fact a great Viking warrior, we men, the inherently intellectually-limited inferior gender, need a little help understanding the technicalities of it all. So we kindly ask the brave shield maidens of America, and Sweden, to please enlighten us.

How did you, bad ass woman warriors, manage to prevail against male enemies, with 40% less muscle mass than men in the upper body, and 33% less in the lower body? Or with less dense bones and weaker tendons and ligaments? How did you handle impacts, blunt force, and trauma to the face, with a weaker facial bone structure than your male assailants?  Without activation of the right amygdala of your brain, how on earth did you manage to not be more reactive to pain than your male adversaries? 

How did you achieve, oh mighty shield maidens, to rewire your brain so, when faced with a threat, you didn’t tend and befriend like women have been programmed to do by hundreds of thousands of years of evolution, but instead, did flight or fight like men? With less white matter in your pre-frontal cortex than men, how did you compensate for analyzing dangers and situations slower and less efficiently than your male enemies? With a thicker paretial section of the brain than men, how did you manage to beat your male opponents when it came to visualization of multi-dimensional objects, such as an axe about to land in your (softer) skull?

How did you, war goddesses, produce the testosterone necessary for aggression in combat (and we are not talking about bitching or nagging here), when you women do not have a hypothalmic pituitary testicular axis? What about your higher level of oxytocin that prompts women, that’s biology, to seek kinship when exposed to an enemy? 

With lower red blood cell counts, lower hemoglobin, and lower circulating clotting factor than men, how did you manage to heal from injuries as fast as your male foes? How did you, strong women, survive the extreme cold and other environmental factors in the battlefields of Europe with a less evenly distributed blood flow in body than men? 

With a larger deep limbic system than men, how did you pull it together to avoid nervous break downs when faced with stressful situations in the battlefield, including your male foes bullying you, harassing you, victimizing you, and otherwise oppressing you? With female brain synthesizing serotonin slower than men, how did you manage to be shielded from far more severe PTSD and depression than men following traumatic events of the front line? 

We were also wondering, how did you, epic fighters, convince the male enemies to stop all hostilities while you were PMSing, pregnant, or breast feeding? Who was looking after the house and the children, whom you managed to find time to bear between the Battle of Stamford Bridge and the Battle of Hastings, while you were conquering the world and spreading seeds without a nut sack? 

Last but not least, how did you bold and strong women manage to keep all your exploits absolutely secret throughout history? Because, outside of some brief mention from the same guy who refers to a dude taking a horse cock, literally, to give birth to an 8-legged horse, there's no mention anywhere else on earth of even your very existence. 

So many questions about mighty Viking female warriors… Or now that we come to think of it, probably irrelevant since gender is a social construct anyway.

Ah! Silly us.